Mean Or Nice

At the age of 35 I thought I would be smart enough to completely know myself as a person. I know I am a good person. I have a conscience. I feel bad when I hurt people. I am always scared to disobey God. I believe though that I’m not capable to cheat, steal or even kill J.  But I don’t judge people because I don’t know what’s really in their hearts.

No matter how deep I know myself, there are circumstances that put me in confusion.  Since I was a little child my family, especially in my mother’s side always tell me that I was a mean, a brat and spoiled child. I’m surprised that my family in my father’s side didn’t thought of me that way. At least that’s what my Ate Berlyn think to me. She’s been always kind to me. Well maybe because she doesn’t know me that much. What the heck,  I’m actually tired of that, when people tell you “ you don’t know her that much”.  In fairness my cousins in my mother’s side love me even though like they said I am mean to them. They love me and they always tell me that. I have friends that I’ve met since I was a little kid and yet there’s still kind to me , my friends in high school and college, they are still good to me. The friends I’ve met here are really good to me. At times though when  I heard my mom talking to my friends how spoiled I am growing up, it kinda hurts. They talked about my tantrums and how they just let it go to avoid fights. I would like to tell them, don’t use the word spoiled because spoiled are for rich people. I don’t them to try to make it sound cute when what they’re really trying to say is that I’m mean. They think I am mean and I have bad temper.

For all the years that people call me mean, I just feel like just staying in the walk-in closet in our bedroom, find comfort folding from the nice clothes that I bought for less than the half price. Then debating I have to return the shoes that bought impulsively but I haven’t worn yet, is quite a confusion too.

I’m actually just really tired, from work  and all the things that I plan to do to achieve my in life. But I just have to really keep this cool. Don’t listen to the people who tag me as a bad person. I know myself. I am a loving person. I know I am. I want to be there for the people I respect. Most importantly to be there for my children and for Lee. I am thankful to God for my husband. He knows me inside and out but he accepted me wholeheartedly. He knows me so much but he always have kind words for me.  When I made mistakes he never punished me.  Some people teach other people a lesson when they have wronged them. Lee is not like that.  So I guess I am lucky after all!!!!!